misdirected emotions

I am a great example of how to display an emotion completely separate from what I m actually feeling. I have written before that I can be an ostrich when it comes to emotions and feelings but I also have a knack for completely dwelling on something minor as a way to distract myself from what I’m really feeling.

Case in point: about 2 hours ago I said goodbye to my wonderful American friends. I just about held the tears back as the kids all got emotional and as they prayed for me and told me their favourite things about my visit. I felt so sad to be leaving that I wanted to tell Rachel to turn the car around and I would just stay forever!

(But of course I didn’t and I said goodbye at the bus stop with a huge knot in my tummy and a lump in my throat from trying so hard not to lose it)

So then I spent an hour on the bus trying not to cry, reading my Bible and praying and looking at pictures. By the time I got to the airport I still felt sad but I was thankful for my time with the Libbys.

Then I checked in and my bag was too heavy and I had to pay the excess fee and instead of being my usual practical self and rearranging items between my carry-ons to make my check-in lighter I just went ahead and paid the whole charge! Which left me kicking myself all through Security for not making a wise decision.

Of course, I got so frustrated with myself over it because I didn’t want to think about what I was missing with Rachel and the kids.

I really had to fight to let go of that frustration and not let it take away from the joyful time I’ve had. Seriously, I’ve just had 2 wonderful weeks with some of my favourite people and I’m going to dwell on an insignificant thing like paying a baggage charge?!

How could my heart and head be so ungrateful so suddenly. It honestly took a lot of prayer and thanking God for all blessings of the last two weeks to make me see that while yes, maybe I made a silly split second decision, but it was even sillier to let it spoil my heart.

In the end I was thanking God that he provided me with enough spending money in my purse that I could pay the charge in cash and still have enough for a Starbucks while I wait for my boarding time. He didn’t have to provide that, but He did, because He loves me.

One thing I am taking away from this experience is to always have a thankful heart even when you feel silly or frustrated with your situation, because there are too many blessings to count if you look for them.

The other thing I am taking away from this is to be more wware of what I am feeling and why. This has always been a thing for me, and I have to constantly examine myself: what am I feeling, why am I feeling that way? But now I also need to challenge myself to change my attitude if it is not right and focused on God.

Such deep thoughts whilst sat at Gate D11. I have another hour or so until my flight starts boarding so I think I will head around the concourse in search of that Starbucks!

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Heart-strings

I saw this photo today…isn’t it so sad? It just pulls on my heart-strings so much! I just feel sorry for the poor dog that can’t get into his special space now that he’s grown up. I’m probably reading way too much into it, but it genuinely makes me go awwww

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A traumatic week

Last week was full of antics, and mostly ‘not-good’ ones :S

On Monday I drove back from Devon to Canterbury, after a restful yet busy week of annual leave. It took about six hours to get back, so I was pretty tired and decided to have an early night at 9.20pm. Just over an hour later, my work phone rang…the joys of being Social Worker On-Call. To cut a long (confidential) story short, I ended up having to attend at a foster carers’ home at 11pm and didn’t get home until almost 1am.

The next day I went into work and got caught up on all the shenanigans of the previous week, before heading out on a home visit and then to collect a young person to take him to a local police station to be questioned after he had assaulted someone. It was my first time in the deepest, darkest recesses of a police station. It was not his first.

After three hours in the station I returned said young person to his foster carers, and eventually got to my friends’ house for dinner about 7pm (an hour late, thank God for friends who feed me, and are also forgiving). I thought I’d be hopeful and get another early night around 9.30pm, but shortly after 11 my phone rang…this time a different young person had not returned home by curfew and consequently had to be reported missing to the police, me and social services. She then turned up about half an hour later.

And so it went on…meetings, phone calls, a rushed visit to the gym and generally lots of busy-ness and organised chaos.The weekend fared marginally better, I had a quite peaceful Saturday – cleaning the house, reading, catching up on life, but with regular updates from one of my foster carers about her foster daughter. I can’t say on here what it was about, but it was very confusing and no-one seems to know what really happened!

Saturday night was great though, I went to my friend Emma’s (she lives across the complex from me) and we ate pizza and chatted, and watched Outnumbered. I felt loved and peaceful and it was what I needed.

Sunday was my first October Sunday at City, as I was away for two weekends, and apart from a weird moment where mistaken identity meant a lady ‘told me off’ for missing creche duty (she thought I was someone else, and that someone else had not turned up) it was lovely to be back. We heard an awesome preach from our lead elder and I only had one work phone call during the service which is an improvement from the last time I was on call when I had three.

And so, there I was on Sunday night, feeling pretty drawn out and looking forward to some gentle Downton time to soothe me after my hectic and mental week.

BUT THEN

I am still absolutely furious with the writers of Downton Abbey for killing off Lady Sybil. With absolutely no word of a lie, I woke up this morning and felt like I was grieving for an actual friend. It felt so real, and it is so unjust. Of course, like everything Downton it was incredibly well-written and acted, but that’s not the point! It’s just so unfair, I feel like nothing good can happen for the rest of the series now. As if it wasn’t enough that poor Lady Edith got jilted at the altar, now they have lost Sybil too. I described the episode to my housemate and used the word HORRIFIC about five times.

so there we have it, ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere. I am outraged and heartbroken over a TV programme. But so are many millions of other women, so I don’t feel too much of a sad-case/lunatic declaring it to the world.

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Arson, suspect packages and a lot of world issues

Canterbury is currently on some kind of lock-down – almost – there was an arson fire set in a local department store, and then a suspect package was found along the railway so the police, army and bomb disposal unit are investigating. It’s all over the news, I was babysitting tonight and had driven past the first lot of cordons that had been set up, and wasn’t sure why, then a little while later my mum rang me because she’d seen it on her local news and it’s very rare that anything local to Kent gets onto the news in Devon.

Oh dear. Watching the news tonight was very scary…reports about the hospitals in Tripoli where people were left to die, an awful lot about the conflicts still ongoing in Libya, someone sabotaging a supply of headache pills with epilepsy medication and anti-psychotic drugs, the hurricane, a couple on holiday both dying in separate accidents (she fell off a balcony and he fell down some stairs) leaving their four children orphaned, an extremist group driving a car full of explosives into the UN embassy in Nigeria.

And that’s without mentioning the economic crisis, the famine in Sudan and the tens of thousands of refugees dying as they walk hundreds of miles into Kenyan camps, knowing there may not be much help there.

Our world is messed up 😦

Days like this make me so excited about the new heavens and earth that God has prepared for us…where all these horrible things are not even a memory. In the meantime, the hope I have in Him is superceding my anxiety but it still makes me want to cry everytime I watch the news.

In other news, today I did a very grown-up social work thing, and placed my first every foster child with my foster carers. It was quite daunting, but my manager trusted me do it by myself since I was the one that made the match and planned it all, so it was good to follow it through. She’ll hopefully come to the placements meeting I’ve booked in, to ensure we get all the final details I may not have thought of, but it went really well and I feel very pleased with myself. So that was a good thing.

Also, I babysat for a couple from church tonight so that they could have their first baby-free night out with friends in OVER A YEAR. That also felt good, because I would only have spent the evening here watching tv etc…so why not watch tv at their house and give them a night off. They came back having had a great time, in a restaurant which was so quiet that the waiters and waitresses were able to sit down at a table and have a drink. It it made me very happy to be able to help them out.

Not so good…tomorrow I’m supervising a contact for a father and his fifteen month old son. The father is a schedule one offender, which basically means he is a sex-offender, who has committed offences against children. I’m dreading it.

Kent Police just tweeted (get us with our high-tech police force) that it was an elaborate hoax. I can’t believe the best adjective they found is ELABORATE. Wow. But all is not clear, they’re heading down to the cricket ground to check out suspicious activity there.

The saga continues…

What’s new in your life?! Bet it’s nowhere near as exciting as mine…