misdirected emotions

I am a great example of how to display an emotion completely separate from what I m actually feeling. I have written before that I can be an ostrich when it comes to emotions and feelings but I also have a knack for completely dwelling on something minor as a way to distract myself from what I’m really feeling.

Case in point: about 2 hours ago I said goodbye to my wonderful American friends. I just about held the tears back as the kids all got emotional and as they prayed for me and told me their favourite things about my visit. I felt so sad to be leaving that I wanted to tell Rachel to turn the car around and I would just stay forever!

(But of course I didn’t and I said goodbye at the bus stop with a huge knot in my tummy and a lump in my throat from trying so hard not to lose it)

So then I spent an hour on the bus trying not to cry, reading my Bible and praying and looking at pictures. By the time I got to the airport I still felt sad but I was thankful for my time with the Libbys.

Then I checked in and my bag was too heavy and I had to pay the excess fee and instead of being my usual practical self and rearranging items between my carry-ons to make my check-in lighter I just went ahead and paid the whole charge! Which left me kicking myself all through Security for not making a wise decision.

Of course, I got so frustrated with myself over it because I didn’t want to think about what I was missing with Rachel and the kids.

I really had to fight to let go of that frustration and not let it take away from the joyful time I’ve had. Seriously, I’ve just had 2 wonderful weeks with some of my favourite people and I’m going to dwell on an insignificant thing like paying a baggage charge?!

How could my heart and head be so ungrateful so suddenly. It honestly took a lot of prayer and thanking God for all blessings of the last two weeks to make me see that while yes, maybe I made a silly split second decision, but it was even sillier to let it spoil my heart.

In the end I was thanking God that he provided me with enough spending money in my purse that I could pay the charge in cash and still have enough for a Starbucks while I wait for my boarding time. He didn’t have to provide that, but He did, because He loves me.

One thing I am taking away from this experience is to always have a thankful heart even when you feel silly or frustrated with your situation, because there are too many blessings to count if you look for them.

The other thing I am taking away from this is to be more wware of what I am feeling and why. This has always been a thing for me, and I have to constantly examine myself: what am I feeling, why am I feeling that way? But now I also need to challenge myself to change my attitude if it is not right and focused on God.

Such deep thoughts whilst sat at Gate D11. I have another hour or so until my flight starts boarding so I think I will head around the concourse in search of that Starbucks!

-x-

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Flying away

Today I’m leaving to go back home to the UK. In total I’m travelling for about 28 hours…on three planes.

Flight one: Portland to Phoenix, arriving at 10.30pm
Flight two: Phoenix to Charlotte, leaving at 630am (yes I will be in Phoenix airport overnight) arriving at 130pm
Flight three: Charlotte to London, leaving at 630pm and arriving at 620am on SATURDAY morning.

I am going to be so tired and jetlagged and its worse because I just don’t want to leave. I feel like it takes me a week to settle in and then the next week goes too quickly 😦 this is the hardest it has been to leave. It makes me so sad to think about not hearing the kids when I wake up in the morning, not having late night talks with Rachel…it all just makes me super sad and miserable.

I know I have people who love me back home in Canterbury and when I’m there it will be great but for now, I’m just sad to leave. Sad.

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Do you have a favourite “spot” to sit in? I remember fierce arguments with my siblings when I was younger if one of us dared to sit in a seat that someone else had vacated. I love it in the Big Bang Theory when someone sits in Sheldon’s seat…because it is so true to my life.

Wherever I go I like to have a “spot” to settle in. For example, at my house I like to sit in the right side corner of the sofa…at a family’s house that I babysit there is a red armchair that is the perfect size for me to curl up in.

Here, at David & Rachel’s in Salem, “my spot” is a green rocker chair. I love it. It’s the perfect size for curling up to read, snuggling with the kids/dog, and just generally chilling out. I feel cosy and peaceful sitting in this chair, even if I do look a little bit silly rocking myself back and forth!!

Where is your comfy spot?

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Learning from Deuteronomy

Yesterday we went to church. My friend David is one of the Pastors at Morningstar church in Salem. One of the lead pastors gave the sermon from Deuteronomy chapter 8. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a sermon which contextualised Deuteronomy so well before. Pastor Ken explained that Moses is reminding the Israelites of the covenant that God made with them and of his continued faithfulness to keep his promises by blessing them and taking care of them, even though the Israelites have complained and gone against him many times.

And there I thought Deuteronomy was boring! Turns out all I needed was the context. Moses knew he would die before the Israelites got to enter the promised land but he needed to remind them of what God had done, because they had a tendency to forget.

I have a tendency to forget. Yesterday afternoon during the kids’ rest time I sat and read through the first half of Deuteronomy and was amazed at what I read. It was like reading it for the first time.

While the sermon yesterday was mainly about giving thanks to God for financial provision (the church is working through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University right now) it really made me think about all the ways that God has provided for me in my life…things that I too easily forget because I let life get in the way.

I want to cultivate a thankful attitude, and acacknowledge ALL that God does, and has done.

Practical ways I’ll be doing this to follow in another post

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Spring time in Salem

Day 2 of my American trip…it is 53ºF today and the sun is SHINING! Yesterday we went to the grocery store and I didn’t even need a jacket, and this morning we spent a few hours at Riverfront park, playing in the sunshine. It’s so warm…hard to believe that the UK has snow forecast for next week. Off I go to enjoy the sun some more…Elijah and Hope are super into basketball right now and we’re doing lots of practice in the driveway. I suck but they don’t seem to mind!!

10…

keep-calm-10-days-left-300x300

Only 10 days to go until my (what seems now to be annual…) trip to Oregon, USA! I am unbelievably, beyond words excited – and right now I can’t work out if it’s more because I cannot wait to see some of the superest, most lovely people I know, or because I will be escaping from work for 17 whole days.

Escaping may feel a bit of an exaggeration, and at 9.50pm on a Sunday night it probably is. However, since returning to work in January after almost two weeks off, I have to say that work has felt – at times – like we are trying to push water up a hill. And in case y’all don’t know, that can’t be done.

On top of which, this week it became clear that at the end of April I will be moving to my thirteenth house. Our contract here runs out and for reasons that aren’t mine to post on here, my housemate won’t be staying with me. I can’t stay on my own for financial reasons so I have three options:
1) find a new housemate (which is a complete gamble; I’ve taken it before with my house before this one and it was such a mistake. I almost went mad – I’m not willing to do that again)
2) join a new house-share (reluctant to do this for the same reasons as point one
3) branch out and get my own place

Option 3 now seems like the way to go, and I feel pretty ok about it. It’s obviously not my choice to leave here but I can’t do anything about the situation so I have to count it as joy and deal with it. Except, I can’t afford to live by myself – which is why I haven’t done it before.

I know that God has a plan for me in this, and I have a few ideas that would make living by myself a viable option…if they don’t work out I trust that God has something better. I do wish I didn’t have to have this upheaval, again, though.

Someday soon I’ll do a blog about all my houses and moves. I am an excellent house-mover, having done it so many times (11 times since I was 9…level: Expert)

Back to the holiday though. I fly out on the 7th March and am back early on Saturday 23rd. I have two days of travelling to get back, which will be tough but it is worth it. I love my US friends so much and visiting them always feels a bit like coming home. I think God has timed this right for me – a few weeks respite, albeit with 4 crazy kids (and a crazy dog) – but it is the kind of madness that I absolutely enjoy and that does me a whole lot of good.

I can’t wait – 10 days and counting!!

-x-

Sad / Glad

Sad:

feeling like I am banging my head against a brick wall with some work stuff, and being left wondering where all the common sense has gone.

Glad:

I booked my flights to the US – March 7-21 I am going to be in Salem, Oregon with some of the best people I know!

Sad:

earlier this month it was 3 years since my Nana died, and remembering it was made worse because of the hideousness that surrounded her funeral. I miss her so much and I hate that when I think of her, I think of that awful day.

Glad:

I have joined the smartphone revolution, finally. I now have a Samsung Galaxy S3 Mini (blue) – yes, somehow I have managed to get one of the newest phones on the market, for a super-awesome tariff. My phone is pretty and I love it. The best thing is that it has a camera so I can take more photos in the States. (Yes, my old phone was so old it didn’t have a camera!)

Sad:

I don’t get to see my Dad until the summer

Glad:

My dad and I had a little Facebook message chat today, for the first time in over a year. Small steps accomplish big journeys

Sad:

I lost the pretty part “S” of one of the drop earrings my brother got me for Christmas. It broke in in Morrisons (so it is long-gone) and haven’t been able to find a replacement

Glad:

Sunday morning at church was AMAZING and we began a new sermon series on James, which I think is my favourite book of the Bible now. I’m very excited to be studying further into James and learn more about being ‘steadfast’ in the Lord

Sad:

my sister is very poorly and might have glandular fever 😦

Glad: I have a long weekend booked next week (Thursday and Friday off!) so am going home to see the family, and my brother is probably coming home for the weekend too! 3/4 siblings will be together for the first time since June ’12.

Altogether, there are some UPs and DOWNs in my life at the moment. The UPs are nice, the DOWNs are dismal, but through it all God is faithful 🙂

Psalm 89:1
“I will sing of the LORD’s great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations.”